What goes Around

6 years ago this July, my husband left me. He purchased a travel trailer to live in. He then proceeded to have an affair in it.

When our relationship began to heal, it was suggested that we take a vacation in said RV. umm sure, Ok lets go relax in the bed where the unthinkable happened.

i thought destroying the evidence would help, so I took the linens off the bed, and lit them up in my fireplace. Which was cathartic and all that, but it really didn't change anything.

But time passes. And God, in His grace, teaches and comforts. Heals and molds me.

So in a couple of days, our family is taking a week's vacation. In the RV. And we are ALL really excited about it.

What the enemy intended for evil. The Lord of Hosts made into something GOOD.

The romance is long gone. Now it's all about timing.

My DH and I squeezed a date into his schedule this weekend. We went to the movies. I met him at the theatre. We kissed goodbye after the movie and went out separate ways, he to work, me to pick up the kiddos.

At least we held hands during the movie. I guess that's romantic.

I lay awake a few mornings ago, trying to figure out how many days it had been since the last time. Was it Sunday or Monday? Is my husband going to start humping the computer desk chair or do I still have time? Can I sleep in, or should I wake up when he arrives home at 6 am and service him?

Timing is very important in marriage.

It definitely aint romance.

Healing

"I coudn't heal her. It wasn't my job. And I never thought she would heal"

This is a quote from William Paul Young, the author of the Shack, about his extramarital affair, referring to his wife. He had begun the process of facing his junk and telling his wife about his progress, and she said "yeah whatever".

The thing is, this is what I keep expecting to happen. I keep trying to get my husband to be responsible for my healing. Even though I know that he can't do it, in my head. In my heart, or my emotions, or whatever, I keep expecting him to do it.

He can't heal me.

Only my Jesus can heal my battle wounds.

The Pain

The problem comes when the needs aren't being met by the loved one, and so the needy seek another to meet their needs.

And then the pain comes.

Facing the impossibility of meeting another's needs, and then knowing that when you fail, they will dump you to seek another. It swallows you in depression until you can't breathe.

Anytime you want to fight this battle for me Lord, I'm wounded enough now, wouldn't you say?

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Meeting the needs of another person is so discouraging. Because it's impossible to achieve. God created us with a need for Him. Our physical and emotional needs are such a small part of who we are and what we really long for. And the joy that we seek is only temporarily fulfilled by having our earthly needs satisfied for a moment.

An intimate partner has needs that we are to serve. And we do it joyfully (if we want to stay together) to provide a moment of happiness to that person we love. But when we are unable to meet those needs adequately or often enough, or to the extent they were expecting, then they are sad or angry or disappointed. In us. When truly, there is nothing we could do to make them completely happy.

Only knowing and loving and serving Jesus can fulfill the joy we desperately search for. "And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

Dear God,

Once again, I am staring into my future, and wondering what You have for me next. My marriage crisis is currently at bay once again, but no apparent change that will last. I fear that this will all come to an end, and I will have failed.

You promised to fight for me, that the battle was Yours. Are you? I believe you are, but I can't see it or feel it. I just have to know it. I'm hurting. I need Your healing balm. Your word promises joy to those who fear you. I could use some joy. Some mercy. Your everlasting compassion.

Thanks in advance for the miracle You will make out of all this. It will be something to see, I know. I am waiting around for that!

Light

I just finished watching a very sad movie, Things We Lost in the Fire.

That's what I do when I am really depressed. I feed the sadness. But somehow it helps, because I can cry about a movie, when I can't cry about my own darkness.

It's like lancing a festering wound. It doesn't cure it, it just brings it to the surface so it can begin to heal. The problem with wounds like this is there is usually infection present, so sometimes lancing isn't even enough, it needs an antibiotic. Something to stop the infection from spreading.

I need the healing balm of the Word.

The Word was always there. The Word is a light to everyone, it shines in the darkness, and the darkness can NEVER extinguish it.