Expectations

I think my problems all started with ridiculous expectations. I grew up with these amazingly nurturing parents. Not spoiled I wouldn't say, because I have seen spoiled and I was definitely not that. We never had much or went any where special. I just always knew I was loved; no more than that even, cherished, celebrated.

So when I married, I wanted my man to cherish and celebrate me! Who doesn't want that? But I know what that looks and feels like. So many don't. They dream about it, and wish for what it might be like. But I have actually expererienced it.

When my marriage fell short of my expectations I became angry, and hurt. Deeply hurt. And I began to wonder what I had done wrong. How could this person whom I adore, and loved to be with me and talk to me, and tell me about every minute of his day while we were dating, suddenly seem as though he couln't wait to leave the house? And how did I end up married to someone who couldn't wait to leave me alone? Why didn't he want to cherish and celebrate me?

My children became, as happens so often for new mothers, my everything. At the expense of my husband. I no longer cherished him either, which he most certainly noticed. Because surprise! He had expectations too. Which I didn't meet, of course. Because his were as ridiculous as mine. He expected me to treat him like a man, a leader, and lover, and warrior and rescuer. Instead, he got lists and instructions on how to call me when he needed help knowing what time it was so the children could be put to bed at the hour I deemed right.

God's design is always best, I have learned. And he says, men, love your wives, women respect your husbands. We expect so much, and give so little. So backwards. And we wonder why our relationships are falling apart.

Surrender

In answer to my own question, the reason I become so stupid, focusing so much on myself, and how I am the only unlovable one......

I took the battle back. It's not mine. I am a thief, constantly taking from God what doesn't belong to me. I am attacked by the enemy because I have important work to do, an example to set for young women in this community. I cannot do that without believing the truth that God adores me, can't wait for my call, is proud to call me his own.

As for my man, by some miracle, he loves me the way I am as well. Whether or not he is proud to have me by his side.....it's true that I stopped trying long ago. It didn't seem worth it.

Depression took over, as often happens after a victory. With an insidious temptation to disobey mixed in, the energy to make myself beautiful for my husband, died.

So once again, I lay face down in the presence of my lover, my Jesus. Please help me with your grace. Give me the strength I need. I am nothing without you.

How did this process begin? More about that later.

So Stupid

When I was younger, I was so sure. Sure that God love me, and had constant communication with Him. I was sure what I was called to do. I was sure that I was ok just the way that He had created me. I never had any vanity about being beautiful or wanted by men. I knew my worth lie elsewhere.

So when did I become so......stupid? I spend all this time affirming women, their worth, God's beautiful design for their lives. I barely believe what I say. No I do believe it, but for everyone else it is so easy, but so difficult for myself.

I know it doesn't matter what I look like or what size I am. I know I am loved the way I am.

but I look in the mirror, and I am ashamed to be seen, ashamed that my man has to ever be seen with me. The only time I am completely comfortable, is when I am alone. I have fought loneliness for so many years now, and all of a sudden all I want is to be around no one. Stupid.