Surrender

In answer to my own question, the reason I become so stupid, focusing so much on myself, and how I am the only unlovable one......

I took the battle back. It's not mine. I am a thief, constantly taking from God what doesn't belong to me. I am attacked by the enemy because I have important work to do, an example to set for young women in this community. I cannot do that without believing the truth that God adores me, can't wait for my call, is proud to call me his own.

As for my man, by some miracle, he loves me the way I am as well. Whether or not he is proud to have me by his side.....it's true that I stopped trying long ago. It didn't seem worth it.

Depression took over, as often happens after a victory. With an insidious temptation to disobey mixed in, the energy to make myself beautiful for my husband, died.

So once again, I lay face down in the presence of my lover, my Jesus. Please help me with your grace. Give me the strength I need. I am nothing without you.

How did this process begin? More about that later.

So Stupid

When I was younger, I was so sure. Sure that God love me, and had constant communication with Him. I was sure what I was called to do. I was sure that I was ok just the way that He had created me. I never had any vanity about being beautiful or wanted by men. I knew my worth lie elsewhere.

So when did I become so......stupid? I spend all this time affirming women, their worth, God's beautiful design for their lives. I barely believe what I say. No I do believe it, but for everyone else it is so easy, but so difficult for myself.

I know it doesn't matter what I look like or what size I am. I know I am loved the way I am.

but I look in the mirror, and I am ashamed to be seen, ashamed that my man has to ever be seen with me. The only time I am completely comfortable, is when I am alone. I have fought loneliness for so many years now, and all of a sudden all I want is to be around no one. Stupid.