The Pain

The problem comes when the needs aren't being met by the loved one, and so the needy seek another to meet their needs.

And then the pain comes.

Facing the impossibility of meeting another's needs, and then knowing that when you fail, they will dump you to seek another. It swallows you in depression until you can't breathe.

Anytime you want to fight this battle for me Lord, I'm wounded enough now, wouldn't you say?

Turn your eyes upon Jesus

Meeting the needs of another person is so discouraging. Because it's impossible to achieve. God created us with a need for Him. Our physical and emotional needs are such a small part of who we are and what we really long for. And the joy that we seek is only temporarily fulfilled by having our earthly needs satisfied for a moment.

An intimate partner has needs that we are to serve. And we do it joyfully (if we want to stay together) to provide a moment of happiness to that person we love. But when we are unable to meet those needs adequately or often enough, or to the extent they were expecting, then they are sad or angry or disappointed. In us. When truly, there is nothing we could do to make them completely happy.

Only knowing and loving and serving Jesus can fulfill the joy we desperately search for. "And the things of earth will grow strangely dim in the light of His glory and grace."

Dear God,

Once again, I am staring into my future, and wondering what You have for me next. My marriage crisis is currently at bay once again, but no apparent change that will last. I fear that this will all come to an end, and I will have failed.

You promised to fight for me, that the battle was Yours. Are you? I believe you are, but I can't see it or feel it. I just have to know it. I'm hurting. I need Your healing balm. Your word promises joy to those who fear you. I could use some joy. Some mercy. Your everlasting compassion.

Thanks in advance for the miracle You will make out of all this. It will be something to see, I know. I am waiting around for that!

Light

I just finished watching a very sad movie, Things We Lost in the Fire.

That's what I do when I am really depressed. I feed the sadness. But somehow it helps, because I can cry about a movie, when I can't cry about my own darkness.

It's like lancing a festering wound. It doesn't cure it, it just brings it to the surface so it can begin to heal. The problem with wounds like this is there is usually infection present, so sometimes lancing isn't even enough, it needs an antibiotic. Something to stop the infection from spreading.

I need the healing balm of the Word.

The Word was always there. The Word is a light to everyone, it shines in the darkness, and the darkness can NEVER extinguish it.

I went to bed angry last night. I had made some mistakes at work. Extremely minor details that I had overlooked, but being somewhat of a perfectionist, it irked me. Partly because this has been happening a lot. But mostly because my co-worker is the type of person who gets some kind of subtle sick pleasure out of pointing out other people's errors.

"Will it matter that you spelled this person's name wrong on this form?"

What kind of loaded question is that? Just say, please fix this... or send it knowing full well that it really wont matter. @$#$##@!!!

So I lay in bed, irked by the daily jabs I receive from this person. I thought we were friends until a few weeks ago, and our relationship has really deteriorated since then.

People who are legalistic and judgemental just rub me like sandpaper. What makes me the angriest about this is that some people feel that way about me. That I look down on others if they don't measure up to my standard. I just don't feel that way about anyone! There are certain people I would never let borrow my car, or watch my kids, you know, but I just don't have judgement for the average person inside or outside my life. Maybe I just can't see it, and if so that breaks my heart.

I am guarded with people because of my own insecurities. Mostly because of the criticism I have received from those I thought regarded me as friend. That is maybe misjudged as legalism?

For this reason, I wish I could let go of the feeling that this person only wants to judge me, and not be my friend. She probably can't see her own legalism. She probably thinks that she accepts me just as I am as well.

Why can't I do it?

Twelve years

My husband and I have now been married for twelve years. It's a miracle really.

We're not best friends, or "more in love than ever before". But we do love each other unashamedly, and are committed to each other for life.


And that's something.

Connection Failure

I don't connect with people any more.

The one person I long to connect with has built a wall between us, and only allows me on the other side briefly, when it benefits them.

I used to connect with people, but it never turns out well. So I have lost my enthusiasm for trying. The only time it happens is when someone needs something.

I meet needs. That's what I do.

However, that presents a problem when it comes to my relationship with the Lord. He doesn't need anything. He simply desires to be with me. I hardly know what that would be like. It's hard for me to reach out, just for the sake of knowing Him.

All Men Are Liars!

So many hypocrites.

That is the answer I hear often when I ask people why they no longer believe God to be true to His word.

I've never understood why one would equate a mere mortal's behavior with God's. He is God and we are not. Very simple.

But lately I have found myself in that boat. A boat I choose to capsize today and swim to the shore of God's faithfulness.....whoo the metaphors are heavy today. ;)

Paul talks about this in Romans, part of God's living, breathing Word. He answers some questions that the Jews had in chapter 3. The same questions Christian people are still asking. "If I look around and see God's people being unfaithful, and completely untrustworthy, how can I believe that God Himself in worthy of my faith and trust?"

Here is Paul's answer, which I love.

Even if everyone else is a liar, GOD IS TRUE!

In another translation, it says 'Let God be true, and every man a liar'

I have been guilty of taking my own experience with people who have lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me, let me down, and so on.... and done the classic thing that psychologists call transferrence. I have punished God for the sin of people. How absurd.

I choose to believe today that God is True.

Even if every one else is a liar.